My Lost Father

One of the people on this planet I have difficulty being open with is my father. I can never recollect a single memory where I can say that I have had a good day with my father. There not a single day where we had truly been father & son beyond the tangible structure. There had never been a day when he truly appreciated my interests when it never really aligned with his beliefs and plans for me & I had many hobbies and interests over the years that died as a result.

The answer I always got when I requested him for items that would help with my interests was: “This doesn’t help you make money or put roof on your head, abandon this.”. As long as it didn’t cost him more money than what was already spent, he’d fine with whatever you do. But once you do need something… its going to be always a no. When this is your experience with your father over 2 decades, can you really say you “love” your father? I don’t think so, I do respect him but I don’t think I love him. Forget about asking for things, just showing off the cool thing you did on a piece of paper alone was too difficult, he’d look away all the time or would cut you off in between. As a kid, this is not very promising to ever share anything with your father. And that’s what happened. Ever since I was 10, I stopped sharing entirely about anything. Its almost as if there was no father figure at all.

The most scariest thing about him is that he’s unpredictable about how he acts. One moment he is smiling, the next he’s uncontrollably angry. This is the cherry on top, totally stops me from approaching him for just about anything. I was punished was just having fun or wanting to be like other kids.

Regardless, I cannot be ignorant about all of his traits. He’s been hardworking since I was a baby, never skipped work and practiced “work is worship”. Thanks to his oversight about the family and his carefully planned investments, we are able to live a comfortable life even in the worst years for humanity.

This doesn’t absolve him from everything. If he weren’t my father, I wouldn’t think twice about abandoning the relationship.